Wicked Ways

Pre-Wedding Jitters?

Sun, 15 Apr 2007 05:47:53 GMT

So I had about 5 different people ask me today if I was either scared or had cold feet yet. Do they they know who in the hell I am about to be married to? I get so damn offended. While I risk life time banishment from the Guy's Club for this, I am so freakin' exited about Sunday the 22nd that I can't think of anything else. My work is about to get rid of several people in the office Monday, but it's such a minor thing right now to me. Hell I might be one of them, but I can't help but grin in ignorant bliss because of how extremely lucky I am to be with Tracie. I may take a few of them hostage later over the potential ordeal, but it will definitely have to fall after the wedding.

I thought this day would never get here. Eloping at DragonCon seems like it would have been a great idea after all now, but it's finally here. One more week and I can introduce everyone to my very beautiful and intelligent wife, then spend eternity wondering when I'll bet hit by lightning for trying to cheat the universe. I am so damn exited! I even made a tin foil hat with a target on it for the lightning.

Now that all the estrogen is out of my system, I'm going to go eat dirt and watch Kung Fu movies to rebuild my testosterone. But to all the feeble and conniving bitches I work with...If you don't know how absolutely in love I am, or how special my soon to be wife is, then you probably lack the mental capacity necessary to be a speed bump for the short bus. We'll hold hands when the lightning comes though.

Frolicon Bachelor Party Thank You

Sun, 15 Apr 2007 05:13:55 GMT

(OMFG My LJ account still works)

To every poor soul involved in my pre-marriage debauchery at Frolicon - a very giant THANK YOU. I had an incredible time. Thanks to your sadistic orchestrated initiations, alcohol shots, poking/groping, forced sheep relations, and even beatings, I had an extremely memorable time and left just a little more corrupted.

You're the best friends in the world and I'll never forget it.

Happy Birthday!!!!

Wed, 01 Nov 2006 04:56:35 GMT

Happy Birthday to the sexiest woman in the world!!!

http://www.graphicassault.com/bday.htm

I love you!

My new hero

Wed, 31 May 2006 17:08:36 GMT

This guy is my official new hero. All I can say is he rocks!

Watch this video: http://www.ebaumsworld.com/videos/live-tv-dump.html

Hell Day

Wed, 12 Apr 2006 01:45:52 GMT

If this fucking day were a holiday it would be National Feces Day, because it has so gone to shit and back. Notice I didn't say "gone to hell", because I certainly don't want the damn thing to follow me there.

It started with some potential. Saying the hell with sleep, I decide to take in some rays at the lake, pretty relaxing, right? Not that I'm scared of snakes, but the warm water and alarming number of poisonous snakes makes me a little paranoid. So after about an hour of basking in the sun, I'm finally too freaked out and get up. Just in time to see a snake about three feet away. I grab my things and dart back, then decide, "Oh, hell no." After all, this is MY place of solitude. As I walk back with a rock to help clarify my point, I look down by my feet and realize that what I thought was a big tree limb, was another bigger fucking snake. Goodbye my peaceful and relaxing sanctuary.

Rush to pick the kids up (uneventful 45 minutes of car line). We get home and my daughter discovers her hamster is missing and has probably been so since Sunday. After two hours of scouring every inch to save the funky ass vermin, I hit my head twice, knocked over a table with two big plants onto the carpet, and somehow proceeded to break the leg off of the damn sleeper sofa. Needless to say, I was in a pretty foul mood. The worse part was my kids were right there and I couldn't cuss.

Now I have a pounding headache. No, not from stress, but trapped profanity!

Nashville Rocks

Sat, 08 Apr 2006 04:36:18 GMT

You've really got to appreciate crazy ass people. No matter how bad shit shit gets, someone can always make the situation seem minimal.

We're diving across Stewarts Ferry Dam tonight and my kids are freaking out over the Tornado warnings and the lightning, and especially scared since all the radio stations are now weather advisories. But wait, what's that in the distance? A whole park full of people just hanging out. One guys out in the water fishing, as its pouring and the skies are lit up with lightning. I believe if he owned an aluminum foil hat, his ass would have been wearing it. People like that just calm my nerves and help me downplay the severity of the situation. I love calming my kids down by pointing out someone who just does not give a rat's ass.

I honestly believe if we had a volcano here, you'd see some family cook outs right there over the molten lava. Some people not only are not slowed down by this stuff, but they actually have creative epiphanies over it.

April 4th - Tell a Lie Day

Tue, 04 Apr 2006 11:10:27 GMT

Happy Tell a Lie Day!

My first lie for the day:
1. Today I will be especially sensitive toward people's opinions and feelings -no matter how incredibly stupid or worthless they may be.

Not of this food chain.

Mon, 03 Apr 2006 09:29:38 GMT

I absolutely hate, despise, and utterly fucking loathe pieces of internet shit known as Spammers. Even with virus protection, and 3 different ad-ware detectors, it's most unsettling to know that some cum-burping, gerbil stuffing, marathon felching gutter maggot shitheads can take my computer down in seconds still. Then the genius bastards try to sell my me worthless ass software to take it off again, because after all, I would never suspect them. That was probably some really funny shit in the meeting that hatched that idea.

My 5-year-old let me know about the problem when he somehow got re-directed from "whack the Sak" to "fuck-portal". He was so appreciative of the excessive booty, he almost forgot about his game he was playing. Now he just walks around smiling all the damn time. And they tell me I make Jesus cry.

Caffeine Induced Living

Wed, 22 Mar 2006 15:57:15 GMT

Would the world function without caffeine? And if it did, what speed would it be?

Could you imagine a police chase?
"It looks like he's running."
"Hmmm, he's pretty fast."
"Wow, he must've run track in high school"
"I can't even see him anymore."
"You know, these donuts just aren't the same."

I just can't imagine a world like that. Since I work 3rd shift I constantly take in serious doses of caffeine to stay productive. You know how you can lean back too far in a chair, then right before you fall, you catch yourself and feel all tingly. I'm striving for that feeling all of the time.

So how in the hell do the non-caffeine assisted function in the mornings? The thought of trying to get started without the help of coffee is too painful to imagine. What do these "other" people do? Short of attaching the car's jumper cables to body parts, I can't imagine anything that could be as effective. Just the thought of someone operating an automobile in the morning without some caffeine in their system scares the hell out of me. I couldn't do it. Several doctors blame caffeine for mood swings also. Since I'm consistently cynical anyway, where's the threat? What? I could actually play nice? Ha, right!

So to all of the other caffeine enhanced individuals out there striving to improve mankind, have a highly addicted day. And remember, only you can drink your way to a better tomorrow.

Scary

Thu, 16 Mar 2006 11:28:57 GMT

Normally I have nightmares about work and kids, but this time it was plain psycho. Perhaps it's my fault for leaving my phone in the bed while I slept. The constant irritating ringing tainted my sleep and dream.

So in this dream I return from who knows where with a new romantic figure. Now since I don't remember who this figure was, we'll assume it was more symbolic than anything. My sexy, nameless new Jezebel disappears and goes home, and I turn on the shower. Then I notice a light under the door comes on, then shuts off again. Just as I think I've imagined it, the doorknob starts to turn. Normally, I'm some what of an exhibitionist, but in my dream I had actually shut the door (whew).

I slowly grab the doorknob to keep this assailant from getting in. They immediately notice and start shaking it frantically. They eventually get the door cracked enough to stick a knife through the opening. Fortunately for me I have a towel on, because who can really fight naked? I let go of the door and as their weight sends them flying through the door, I grab this dark person by the throat and throw them to the ground. To my amazement, it's some woman I barely know (friend of the crazy old girlfriend), who apparently has serious stalker issues as well. Fearing for my romantic interest that just left, I immediately check on her and make sure she's unharmed. After a long, crazy explanation from this person, I agree to let her and her daughter stay for a few days (No idea why, but similar scenario as the crazy ex -minus the breaking in part thus far). My conscience is a sissy. I'm going to have it removed.

Anyway, next thing I know it we're at the store and she starts picking out plates. I get really freaked out and start to explain that 2 days does not require a new place setting. She turns around since I've obviously just broken her delusional bubble, and it's the EX!!! Ahhhh!!! I immediately woke up and discovered I had overslept, but I was so freaked out. I locked all the windows, checked the doors, then went to work. I was even paranoid going to the car. I keep waiting to see headlights and hear tires screeching just before becoming a hood ornament. With my luck, I'll live an wake up at her place, tied down, crippled, and pumped full of Viagra.

Normally I have trouble ending relationships because I'm so scared I'll hurt someone. But this time it's different. I'm far more calloused. That combined with my paranoia, makes me all out lethal now. I haven't talked to her in days, in hopes she'll eventually go away. But will my fear still be there unless she moves? Since she's the "closure" type and will not go away until she's satisfied it's over, I'm thinking more drastic actions will be necessary. Hmmm.

Aidan Hughes ( http://Bruteprop.com ) must have had similar issues. I relate way too much to his artwork. He pretty much does all of KMFDM's stuff which probably says enough.

"I gotta say it was a good day". Ice Cube

Tue, 14 Mar 2006 21:12:40 GMT

That Ice Cube song's been in my head all day. What's better than being outdoors with good friends? Ok, so I know it depends on what you're doing in the outdoors, but stay with me. My day started with working over two hours for missing asshole bosses (not compensated), and running real late to meet a friend. Then all of a sudden, all is great and as it should be. We're talking serious Chi alignment. From there I break out and go Krogering. It was Senior Day, and those crazy little freaks will do damn near anything for a Double Coupon. After I got a few of them to wrestle in produce section, I spent the entire time caught in a time warp where everyone was moving in slow motion. We're talking serious white hair and dust everywhere. I really respect seniors with their wisdom and experience though. I smiled patiently while trying to make it to the end of another isle before my groceries expired. Inside I was screaming get the hell out out of the way!

Anyway, I'm still on a high, so I go get my hair cut, and get this.....no line. The guy strays from my usual "head like a melon/bowl cut", and does a great job. He still didn't do what I asked him, but maybe he just never spent time in a Turkish Prison before. He even shaves my neck this time! Now I smell like an old man trying to score some older tail. I'm thinking it's "High Karate" or some cool cologne like that. Anyway I stink and need to shower now. So seeing how I'm on a roll, I pull into a tattoo shop to see how much they would charge for a fill in. $100, and he will gurantee it and fill it in when needed. Besides, he seemed pretty cool and din't sport the chronic Plumbers crack like the last guy. Everyone one else wants $200+, so that's great. It seems they charge extra for any Tito Jackson tattoos. Who knew?

An Awakening

Tue, 14 Mar 2006 01:09:18 GMT

Do you ever wake up some days and wonder if you've been in a coma? Some days that's the only explanation for my lazy ass brain sitting stagnant. Don't get me wrong. I'm not going to cure world hunger or figure out why David Hasselhof is so fucking popular in Europe, but damn it, I've got to take more action. It's way too easy to get comfortable these days and do nothing. Then finally you hit that awakening stage and get highly pissed. Mine typically hits me when people break that last nerve and I end up evaluating them and just how many times they have pissed in the gene pool. Because if they didn't, they've definitely been drinking the pool water.

Unfortunately, I tend to let it all build up until my smart ass sarcastic nature comes out with the Trump card, and is normally followed by "Ka-dow, Bitch!" Then of course I have the very temporary, but liberating feeling, followed by the awareness that I have just gone from super nice guy to asshole in 0.2 seconds. I love the freedom that only your true feelings being conveyed can give you, but once you realize that your halo was somehow turned into a cock ring that assisted you in whipping someone, you feel a little bad and dirty. I'm all about the sin. I just hate hurting people.

Then again, I also get real tired of always being too scared to hurt someones feelings when they have surpassed all requirements in becoming "milk carton" worthy. We are of course speaking of those clueless few that have this denial gland that constantly repels reality thrown at them. They're oblivious to anything known to man and trying to stop them is just plain futile and exhausting. I believe my next serious relationship will require a "burn in" period as well as a full return policy. I'm seriously thinking about devising a questionnaire and psychological profile for prospective candidates. There's going to have to be strict field testing in real world, or at least "my world" scenarios. Then I think I'm going to have to get my stuff tested. It must be radioactive or have some type of magnetic and adhesive characteristics. What ever it is, it takes a few months before it brings the crazy out. Magic stick? Hell, I've got the toxic fatal attraction stick. Help me 50! Damn! Even with my straight up gangsta persona, I just can't make it work.

I am coming up with some heinous "dumpping" lines though. When I look at life in retrospect, I tend to revisit some of the best ones and think what an asshole I was, then somehow, I get even more ruthless with the next. And just when you think you've horribly severed a dying, festering relation beyond any repair and leaving no question as to your true feelings.....THEY FUCKING CALL BACK!! Oh my god! Why won't it stop ringing? So last night when I said I had good news and bad news for her, I immediately get the standard "who'd you fuck?" That's a small problem for me. Not only am I not fucking anyone, but I despise controlling behavior. Maybe it's a military thing, but do no tell me what to do. Being the nice guy I am. I give the good news/bad news scenario. Yes I know it's old, but Hallmark's not making any "Just go fuck yourself and die" cards. So I say, "The good news is I bought you a new vibrator with extra batteries." "The bad news is you're going to need them." Thinking that could leave no question as to your true intentions, you suddenly realize that Yes, people are that fucking clueless and crazy. Denial's a hell of a drug.

I actually started locking my doors and windows. Not for fear of an axe welding homicidal maniac, after all, I know their intentions. It's the crazy-hoe tribe mentality that scares the hell out of me. I have this re-occurring nightmare where I cut my own stuff of so it won't be defiled by her after she stabs me a hundred times. The true irony? Not only am I not getting it elsewhere, but I bought her the damn murder weapon. That's got to go on the next questionnaire somewhere. That will fall in the Merry Christmas, please don't fucking kill me category.

Must have sleep...

Thu, 02 Mar 2006 15:45:29 GMT

I am so tired this morning. Normally, I'm buzzing around at 9 AM, but I think my lack of sleep has officially been declared Winner. I can't sleep when the weather is so nice. I am a slave to the outdoors and can't rest until the sun has gone down. Oh my god, I'm nature's bitch! Tell me why I wanted to live by the lake again.